i'm leaving fairly soon. the year's over in 2 weeks and my friends and i will part ways for a very long time, save t in the park with cat and r*ch and when candy visits me at uni. it's hard saying goodbye, and hard knowing that it's coming so quickly.

i saw gitfucker the other day. i asked if we could go to the hard rock cafe because i've always wanted to. we were going to meet for lunch, see, and he said yes, we could. he had a meeting later though, so i asked if friday would be better, if we'd have more time then. he said no, thursday was fine. i get there thursday and suddenly he has these meetings all day and these talks he has to go to, so we don't have time. we have a couple of hours, so we just go to this localish pub on canal street. we sit for a couple of hours, eating, making idle small talk. he lends me his old phone since mine broke, which is very nice of him. he didn't want to give me his newer old phone because he promised his mom he'd give to the gardener in spain's daughter, so i felt very privelaged.

and that was it. we kind of hugged goodbye. awkwardly. i wanted to kiss his cheek or something, something, but i didn't because he didn't. i thought maybe he wanted to.

i didn't want anything sexual. just something close. but there wasn't anything.

since then, one text.

it makes me a bit sad that he doesn't care, or that he's not bothered that i'm leaving soon and he won't see me for a very long time. i know things between us haven't been good, but i thought... that maybe he'd want to make them better? try to do things to make me happy? tell me he's got meetings on thursday and ask if i could come friday instead so he'd have more time with me? want to have more time with me?

oh well.

i hae other friends, i have good friends. there are people who care about me.

he says he'll see me again in august because he'll pick me up from here when i collect my suitcases and take me to the airport. i very much doubt that will happen. i can just imagine his excuse: "sorry, my friend's girlfriend's sister is getting her hair cut and i need to buy her a new top to suit her and will be too tired to come get you." or, more likely, "sorry, i've only gone out drinking with my friends twice this week. i need a third one. enjoy your life in canada!"

i love you.

no one should say that without meaning it. ever. it hurts more in the long run when you realise it was a lie than it does to not have the person say it back (even though he said it first, but anyway).

. . .

soaking this year up. so why am i at home? tired and grumpy, i guess. tired and grumpy. but hey, i'm going out monday. maybe wednesday. definitely on friday and saturday and every day the week after.

goodbye to england with a bang.

xxx

last entry / next entry