for fuck's sake, guys are so fucking weird.

james was behind me in line at the spar yesterday. i didn't notice until after i was done paying for my stuff, went outside, turned around, and saw him. HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING TO ME! for fuck's sake!! i know i fucked him around a bit, and i know i should have been a lot nicer. i wasn't evil though and i never lied to him about anything; i told him who i was in love, and i told him why i didn't want to get involved with him and then he got all weird on me. now he's ignoring me completely! i can't be fucked with shit like that, so i'm not going to bother contacting him. for fuck's sake.

then there's gitfucker, who is also ignoring me. got one text off him since thursday. texted him a couple of times, tried calling him, too, because i need to sort out my trip soon and confirm whether or not he's going to take me to the airport. (the manchester hostel books up VERY quickly and i need to make a booking there if i'm not going to stay with o the night before i leave.) i get this text today, saying he's sorry for not replying, but he went to liverpool on friday (!?) and went out the last 2 nights, too. hm, yeah, i can imagine it's really hard to send a text in liverpool, isn't it. god knows he sends his friends texts when he's with me, so it's not like he thinks it's rude. it's VERY strange anyway and i'm convinced he's seeing someone. which is fine; really, i'm not that bothered because i don't want to be with him. i'd just like to KNOW what is going on. i texted him and asked him to tell me what was going on; does he need space or something? i said i'm not upset and won't argue with him, but i'd just like to know what is happening. he is being a freak.

and now he has come online and he isn't going to message me BECAUSE HE IS A FREAK.

oh, nevermind, he messaged me.

it is very likely that i am overreacting. i have been very emotional the last few days, with people starting to leave and the year winding down. james completely ignoring me didn't help. my dissertation is driving me crazy. i don't want to leave england yet. i want to go to glastonbury. i want gitfucker to have wanted to spend time with me and to care that i'm leaving. i want to stop caring about him. i want someone 'special' who care about me. i want success. i want to feel smart and be smart.

at least i want. it's nice to want. but i do wish, sometimes (only sometimes), that i could cut that feeling bit out of my brain so none of this would affect me.

. . .

i went over to this girl's today, a friend of kris's who is starting to become a friend of mine, too. anyway, she was heavily involved with riot grrrl a few years back and has tonnes of 'zines, including some that have been quoted in several academic writings on riot grrrl. she invited me over to come look at them and borrow some. she has an entire suitcase filled with riot grrrl zines! it's crazy! she lent me over 50 to look at over the next week or so to use for my dissertation. yay!

that was very heartfelt and enthusiastic.

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