so apparently the whole not texting, not calling, not replying, not anything, was because things between us have changed. before, 'we were much more than friends', but now we're not. okay. fair enough.

i do actually feel better. what confused me is that i felt like we were just friends who had sex. sometimes, he treated me like his girlfriend; but got upset when i wanted boyfriendy things from him. i guess it was more of a relationship for him than for me, because he got the girlfriend stuff, but i didn't get the boyfriend stuff. oh well. it's a bit sad when you look back and realise you got on better with someone before you met them than you do now; but i must admit, even then, things weren't perfect. there was always distrust, which ended up being valid.

. . .

i was reading chuckie's entry and thinking. maybe i'm bitter or jaded or something, but while i can see something happening, i can only see it ocurring on a short-term basis. for example. i've decided to create a zine-type thing over the summer/september. i love writing, so i'm going to do it. i'm going to pull my favourite diary entries, go through my journal, make photocopies, etc., put them together in a punk-type format and distribute the thing, for free, to anyone who will read it. like a riot grrrl type thing, i guess. i can see a lot of people doing things like this, as they already do. what i can't see is people sacrificing money and capitalist definitions of 'success' for change, which i think is what needs to happen. capitalism wouldn't work if people were concerned with helping others and making people happy with their gender, their ethnicity, their nationality, over making money and having a job which others are impressed with; because, if they were willing to trade one for the other, more people would go into social work and youth counselling and teaching. more people would give more money to charities and organisations and there wouldn't be such a huge power imbalance. patriarchy would fall apart, which would mean more women in the workforce, alongside with men, and no more 'double shift', meaning universal daycares. etc. i'm too tired to formulate stuff properly, but hopefully this makes some sort of sense.

my point? i don't see this happening. not in my lifetime, anyway. we, including myself, are all far too concerned with Making Money. how can a revolution occur if nothing is more important than 'success'? how can women be happy with being women when the term feminism has now come to mean man-hating, butch dyke? when most girls don't even read up on it anymore, and don't care? maybe a new type of feminism can come in, soemthing with a different word.. but i can't help thinking that if feminism has become the 'f-word', what will happen to the next wave of feminism once patriarchal structures grab a hold of it like they did with the old one?

hm, this isn't very coherent or making any sense. sorry.

. . .

i was meant to go to alton towers today with candy and her boyfriend and some of his friends, but was vomitting this morning. maybe i'm pregnant. HAHAHAHA.

. . .

i don't want to break up with someone again.

i've realised why i want a boyfriend.

i love to love and i want to give that love to someone. i want someone to give his back to me and i've never had it the way i want it. how nice it would be if i met The Person next year! i say this every year though and it never happens. but, hey, there's no harm in hoping, is there?

. . .

i should get back to work on The Dissertation.

xxx

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