Oh security blanket, where have you gone? I have realised that you are a bit of a jerk, but I miss having you to snuggly with. I feel sad today and I'm not sure why. If I were to reverse time, or have you change into someone who cares, I'd email you. You were a good person to email because you wouldn't tell me that you didn't care. Not then, anyway. Sometimes you wouldn't even comment, which is what I wanted then. I guess that's not what I want now.

Living in a house full of people who already know each other is a bit hard. I don't know too many people in this city who aren't horribly boring now and the ones I do know have their groups of friends and I don't know them and they aren't too welcoming and... I'm detached. I miss feeling a part of something like I did in England and I miss having someone to put my arms around, even if it was sporadic.

This is a bigger deal to me than it should be.

Security blanket, perhaps you can come back to me? Transform yourself and this time, please please PLEASE don't leave me? I need you. Please don't tell me there's someone better, please don't tell me you want to cuddle with others first. Please. I can be a really good person to wrap a blanket around. I will be, I promise.

I pretend I'm okay, see. I pretend I'm perfectly fine, and sometimes I am; but sometimes I'm not fine and sometimes I want something warm and snuggly to let me know that it's okay to be far from fine. I need you, Mr Security.

I also need straight A's. Help me? Warm me up, promise you'll never let me go, and mean it? Have me love you and love me back? Let me tell you I love you in the middle of the night when I'm half asleep and remember whispering the words to you only weeks later when I recall that you didn't say them back... And erase the recollection that maybe you never said them, but only mouthed them with your voice telling me what I wanted to hear.

Most of all, please erase all memories of my past Securities. I don't want them there. Usually I'm okay with them - often I don't even think of them! - but when I'm sad, I miss them because they were happy and that makes me even sadder. Nostalgic, even.

Despite being single all my life, this is the most single I've ever been. I don't even have a Brit boy anymore. Nothing.

That's okay, I know. But it's... weird. Almost hard. Lonelier, though I didn't realise that was possible.

Some people say loneliness is part of 'the human condition,' whatever that is. I guess they are right, and being lonely is okay. It's not so bad.

Except for when it's past midnight and you're crying because you need some sort of validation and you almost despise yourself for missing him in the slightest.

And there are more important things to talk about, anyway. Like war and stupid people in sociology going on about how Indigenous people have been given too much by the government and should just go to university because their education is free. Why do these assholes want to be in sociology in the first place? And how can they POSSIBLY be in FOURTH YEAR SOCIOLOGY without realising the SOCIO bit of socioeconomics? "Yes, the death rate amongst Indigenous peoples is huge and suicide rates are alarming, as are rates of sexual and physical abuse. Most Indigenous people have experience some kind of abuse first hand, but they should just get off their asses and go to the university! Oh, look! a sale at the Gap! Tee hee!"

fuck that then.

music: matt good.

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