I'm homesick.

For England.

I was flipping through where my life was a year ago today, so I could assure myself that I've changed since then. But all I felt was heartache.

I read this.

God. I haven't been out clubbing or dancing since... Fuck, since I was in Ireland. I haven't been out PROPERLY clubbing since England in June/July. (Okay, so there was a half-hearted attempt at uni, but this city sucks.) I almost forgot that places that play the music I like while being FULL exist. I almost forgot how liberating it is to have a night out where I can feel attractive; where being fat doesn't mean that I'm ugly.

I think this ache is going to stay with me until I actually get back to England. I miss the clubbing, I miss the relaxed, carefree, "we're having a piss-up with our friends" kind of attitude the English have. (I've heard it's even better in Scotland; I have no idea about the Welsh.)

The throbbing for England has been amplified by my decision to download a bunch of Placebo videos off Kazaa. I had seen most on The Wedge Back In The Day, but not for years and years.. Looking at Brian Molko wail, "come hooooooooooooome" prompted my eyes to well up with tears.

I want to go to be able to go to a party or have a party where the playlist consists of Placebo, Muse, Ash, Suede, the Manics, Bowie, BRMC, White Stripes, Strokes, Verve, My Vitriol, Bluenotes, etc., with everyone knowing who all those bands are, everyone recognising the songs, and most singing along. I want to be able to go to a club that plays the Manics and Ash and Suede and Muse and have the place filled with people other than indie snobs. I want to go somewhere where playing "Blue Monday" means playing New fucking Order and not Orgy; where the Manics are practically household names; where people get pissed and pissed and have somuchfuckingfunwithoutrealisingit.

God, that country...

I miss the accents, how everything was packed together when shopping, the culture, and oh the men..

I miss the men being flirty and being attracted to me. I've almost forgotten what feeling attractive is like. I feel like guys here look at me like I'm a monster. I hate that I have to go to the gym here in order to feel like a worthy human being.

I miss my friends. All of them, every single one of them. I miss going out with them, singing with them, chatting with them, dancing with them, drinking with them. Even crying with them.

I have a precis due on Monday on a book I've barely started: A Vindication of the Rights of Woman. Not quick reading, and considering that I'm seeing BRMC tomorrow night, not a whole lot of time left to do it.

Somehow, my urge for straight A's has kind of escaped me at the moment. The me that I like is on another continent, so I'm left with this thing that's sitting on her bed, typing on her laptop, longing for England where she can be reunited with the person she's always wanted to be, the person she usually was when she was in that country. Doing schoolwork is secondary.

I have to remember though, that doing schoolwork is pretty much the only way I can get back to that country. The plan is to work for a year after graduation, save up, go back to England do my Master's in Manchester or something. Maybe Bristol would be better because it's further away from gitfucker, but I liked the north more than the south (friendlier). Oh, I don't know... But somewhere in England, maybe even Scotland because people there were sooooo friendly and sweet... But that means another 2 years in crappy Canada. GR!

. . .

did I mention that I'm seeing Placebo in November??? YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

. . .

does anyone want to buy me a plane ticket for February? :) Kris is going to England then. I'd say I'm jealous, but she's working hard to save up the money to go. Between school work, exercising, volunteering for the SASC, and trying to not miss England TOO much, having a job would kill me. So I can't say I'm jealous; it's my own choice.

How is it possible to miss a place so much? It's not just the people, either. I realise when I go to England, I'll probably have lost touch with most of my friends there and if I haven't, they won't be there anymore. But, still - I need to get there, I need to go back and stay as Long As I Possible Can.

I actually, physically, hurt from the longing to be there. That's pretty sad, isn't it?

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