the s*sc training today was gruelling. lots of talk about sexual assault survivors, the metaphors of sex that we live with that complication the issue of consent, the effects of sexual assault, the coping mechanisms...

coping mechanisms. so many are self-destructive: eating disorders, isolation, self harm... it seems easy to write them off as 'bad' and harmful and as behaviour someone should immediately seek help for.

but a point was raised that these coping mechanisms aren't all necessarilly 'bad.' yes, they are self-destructive, but everyone indulges in self-destructive behaviour: drinking, smoking, etc. it's just that some are socially acceptable and some aren't. if a person is using something self-destructive to cope, it is that person's perogative and it is a choice that shouldn't be seen as needing 'remdying' until that person comes to such a decision by him/herself. it's largely an issue of control: self-harm, for some people, is marking their bodies as theirs.

i had a hard time wrapping my head around that. i asked about it, asked for that to be clarified, and people elaborated and explained and i started to get it. it seemed like they thought i had no idea what those things were like, though.. like i was coming at it from a completely ignorant perspective. the people i'm with in s*sc are absolutely wonderful and it's such a safe environment and what they think of me matters, though i know they're not that judgemental. but i shared my experience, anyway; i wanted to share that i'm not questioning this out of ignorance, but out of experience. i have the scars of self harm on my legs and on my chest. it took until last year before i'd wear shirts with 'low' necklines and it's one of the reasons i fear wearing a bathing suit. the repercussions of self-harm last for years and years, and i think that's important to note to the person that's doing it. but then again, if that's how they're coping, if it's so desperate that she needs to slice her flesh or he needs to pull out his hair and it gets him through whatever he's facing.. maybe that's okay for now. maybe taking that away from him or her is taking away his/her desire to get any sort of treatment and is taking away any bits of control he/she feels is left in his/her life.

(it's amazing what people shared, too. i feel really lucky to be in a group where people share their experiences seemingly openly, trusting each other that much. one person thanked people for sharing; and one person who disclosed thanked us for being able to handle it because a lot of people can't deal with personal information like the stuff that was discussed. it's empowering and heartwarming and opens my mind to perspectives i didn't realise even exist. there's little more wonderful than that.)

. . .

one of my roommates is an ass. he was fucking raging at his girlfriend last night in the realm of abusive. it was disgusting. i'm looking for a new place to live.

it seems like a drastic action to a lot of people, but the thing is that i grew up in a house where people were constantly yelling at each other. i hated it and it's partly why i went away for university.

i started feeling like i was in high school again last night. all i wanted to do was lock myself in my room, listen to something comforting, and slice my flesh open.

i didn't, though. i didn't do any of that. i just paced around and tried to make the noises stop and tried to make the memories stop.

the memories are flooding my brain and they'll keep flooding until the life in there dies.

i need to leave because i can't handle any form of aggression. it's why i'm hyper sensitive to people yelling at me. it's my 'trigger,' i guess.

. . .

hey, britboy. you're a year older today. notice how i didn't email. or text. or call. for the first time in eight years.

i know how i felt when you 'forgot' my birthday, when you couldn't be bothered to even send a fucking card. and i know you probably won't care that i can't be bothered with you.

but here you go.

here it is, right back at you.

how does it feel to know i once loved you and now 'forget' your birthday?

but, then again. that's assuming you feel at all.

. . .

and i notice the lack of razorblades in my room.

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