I don't know why I ever want to talk to him. It doesn't make sense to me.

There were few times I felt I needed him last year - and I mean really needed him. Every time, without fail, he let me down. "No, you can't come over, even though you're in tears right now; I have plans." Or, "No, I can't come see you; it's the birthday of a friend of a friend, whose celebration I wasn't even invited to, but it seems fun." Or, "No, I'm not coming to your birthday, I have my weekly band practice." Or, "Yeah, I forgot your birthday. Get over it. But, oh, remind me not to forget my brother's or my friend in Newcastle's -- they'd be really hurt!" Or, "Yeah, I'm going all the way over to Newcastle for my friend's birthday - he said he wanted me there and I don't want to let my friends down!" But he was perfectly okay with letting me down. Almost every time. It was the one thing I could count on: like reaching for a flame, he equalled pain.

I'm writing this not because I'm still angry about it all (though I guess I'm not as over it as I think I am), but because I forget them too easily and I think I needed to be reminded that he's not this cool person to talk to. I need to remember that he said I'm a box on a screen to him so I don't confuse myself with thinking that I'm something more, that he's something more, that we're something more and that he's a good ear. He's not. He's a box on a screen.

deep breath.

Okay, glad to get that out of my system.

I'm going nuts! I came home from class yesterday and started crying when I turned on my laptop and saw that no one was on MSN. Like, full on tears. I curled into a ball on my bed and stayed like that FOR TWO HOURS.

what the FUCK is my problem!?

I'm making an appointment to see a doctor on Monday. I don't want to go on meds, but maybe she can recommend something to me?

I can't get any work done 'cause all I'm doing is sitting, curled in a ball, sobbing, for hours on end.

I've been on the verge of tears all day and I don't understand why. at. all.

i should get some food. blah.

*elbow

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