entry #500, kids.

just got back from a wedding reception. it was weird. this girl i've known all my life is married. moving to INDIA, too. (her mom was a little disappointed in that move because she's so ambitious and worries about what life's going to be like for her daughter now, but ih...)

i was feeling lonely-ish before leaving. i don't know why. it's sporadic and comes in waves, in spurts, and washes over me like a cold shower, reminding me that it's there. and then i dry off and it goes away until the next rush of loneliness overcomes me in god knows when. sometimes it's a day, other times a month, and other times an hour.

it's been a month since i've talked to britboy now. that's kind of weird. especially since there's been no talk of not talking. it's just kind of... ceased. i guess that's okay. i guess that might be good, even.

and then.. i felt lonely during the speeches. it seems as if everyone i've grown up with has someone, or has had someone, or is in the process of having something with someone... and i have.. well.. nothing. i had britboy, yeah, but what the fuck was that? it was nothing. someone i loved, yes, but someone who i meant so little to that he couldn't be bothered to remember my birthday or introduce me to his parents. sometimes i feel as if that's a testament to my prospects (in that i have none). other times, i think it was me being stupid; people like that are out there - i met one and was too stupid to kick him away. what's always there, though, is a feeling of loss, sadness, and loneliness.

i'm very happy for the girl who's gotten married. i didn't particularly like her, but still; i'm happy for her. she seems happy and excited and so do her parents (mostly), and her husband seems really nice. they've known each other for ages, too, and it's great.

and, really, i don't want to get married now, or even right after i graduate. the issue is that i feel like it won't ever happen. other people have experience by now, something to compare their future relationships so they know that this is the person they want, and experience to drawn on when they're fucking up. i don't have any of that. and the older i get, the less acceptable stupidity in a relationship is.

and the loneliner i feel.

and the more i want something substantial.

men are poo.

in other news.

new year's eve with chuckles in moosville (most likely)!!!!!! glam night!!!!! glitter!!!!!! weeeeee!!! :) :) :) :) :) :) :)

now, what to wear, what to wear.. i'm thinking knee-length jean skirt, pink fishnets over black nylons, crinkly black top (or tank top?), glittery pink collar, hair up (but dangling) with pins, and lots of glittery make up with heavy eyeliner. yes? yes? oh, yes, baby! ohhhh YES!!!

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