he used to say that i was too intense, that he couldn't think of marrying me yet, that blahblahblah. i used to say i wasn't think of marriage either, but maybe i was in a way. in a small way. with him, the world seemed more liveable. the colours were brighter, the sun was warmer, my sleep was deeper, and the nights continued forever. i could melt when i was with him and that's all that mattered.

so maybe i did, on some level, assume we'd end up together. maybe i still do. maybe that's why i can be such a bitch to him; i still think we'll end up together.

it's a ridiculous thought, isn't it?

chuckie says i haven't dated others 'cause of him, but that's not true. i would've dated justin during the 2 weeks that i liked him, if he had liked me back. i would've dated a lot of guys in l*nc*ster, actually.. but all they wanted were quick shags, which was okay for the first few months, but felt very lonely very quickly after that. (and james.. well.. he wasn't for me.)

but i'll admit it, there hasn't been one person at uni here that i've genuinely fancied. in four years, not one fucking guy i could picture myself with.

o, though, i did love. to pieces. i don't know what it is. i used to think a lot about what love is, and as i was skimming an old journal the other day, i found myself agreeing with what i wrote about a year ago: that love is feeling like this person is a part of you. when he's not in your life, or when his role in your life changes, you change. when he's gone, something's missing. you may become accustomed to that absence in some time, but only when that absence has changed you in some way. you can't stay the same person without him. that's love.

yes, i'm a different person because of what happened with him. yes, i loved him to pieces; i thought it was unconditional, too, but i guess it wasn't. because, after awhile, it started to change me; i feel a loss in his absence, but i'm okay. i'm going to be okay. life without him no longer means a life of falling to pieces.

i still think, though.. that maybe in a few years..

i have no reason to think this. it's scary how little i know about him; for all i know, he's still dating the h girl. maybe he has another girlfriend altogether. i haven't a clue and it's not like he would tell me if he was dating someone, either. maybe he was dating someone while i was in l*nc*ster! there's no way i'll ever know. so it's ridiculous. maybe his heart was always with h or maybe it was never with either of us or mayybe it was with someone else entirely.

and that, ultimately, is what keeps me thinking about this: i'll never know.

. . .

my mom is visiting. not the best relationship. and i'm fucking tired from not sleeping last night.

. . .

i guess i want to feel like there isn't a part of me missing. the difference between now and 'then' is that i realise it doesn't have to be *him*. it likely won't be someone in canada, but maybe someone... maybe when i do my master's, i'll meet someone to spend the nights with, someone to wake up with, someone who will put his arms around my waist when i'm chopping the vegetables and go to bed with me on my birthday, after he gives me a card.

it's not asking much.

or maybe it is, maybe it is asking far too much for someone who isn't closed-off and emotionally unavaible to fancy this body that i've purposely damaged?

i should probably just sleep. i'm not making any sense.

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