you thought you were alone before, didn't you? you'd sit there, crying, feeling alone and miserable becase you didn't have the label of being a "girlfriend." in a lot of ways, you were right; i mean, he had a REAL girlfriend, didn't he? for most of the time he knew you, he'd go on dates with someone else. he'd go home and fuck this girl, sleep with her, wake up next to her. she was his; not you.

at the same time, though, you could email him and he'd write you back. you'd tell him you're upset and he'd write to you, concerned. you could talk to him on msn for hours without tension, without hating each other. seeing his name pop up on your screen excited you.

and now you know what being alone is really like. you have a couple of friends, yes, so it could always be worse. but the truth is, you've never been as alone as you are now. he doesn't respond to your texts anymore. you don't have anyone to turn to when you can'tstopsobbing, no one to talk to when the world is caving in inside your head, no one to write to when your stomach wants to explode, and no one to even think of without making your gut bleed. no one.

he doesn't care if you're cutting your legs, your arms, your throat, your fucking wrists. he doesn't call you preggy, he isn't affectionate. so stop it. stop thinking he will, stop thinking he can fix anything because he doesn't want to. congratulations. you succeeded in making the person you loved hate you. (Actually, worse: he's indifferent.)

and now you are really, truly, completely on your own. no one's going to soothe those tremors in your head.

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