i can't sleep so i started flipping through older entries.

and i remembered something.

i've been deluding myself thinking that going to england will make me happier. i wasn't partiularly happy during the last 5 months of my exchange. i felt ugly and gross there, too.

i think of it as this place where everything will be okay, where i don't feel so disgusting because i have to. i have to believe there's something better out there, that life will get better than this. i have to believe that i won't always be so alone because the idea that this is as good as it gets makes me wish my body would rot away so i wouldn't have to live inside it, or this world, anymore.

i can move anywhere, i can do anything, i can say anything to anyone.. but i'll still be me, inside my body and, no matter how fat or how thin it gets, it'll still be me. it'll still be housing me, it'll still be speaking for me. and it'll still communicate to everyone i like to stay away.

i need to get out of this feeling of hopelessness and this feeling of seeing myself as DISGUSTING, but i don't see it happening. i need some sort of validation here. now.

2004 has been complete shit so far and it's barely begun. i'll console myself by saying i go on academic years, and maybe it'll get better after i graduate.. but i know it won't. this as good as my life will be. as care-less as it will ever fucking be.

this is it.

god, not even o wanted me at the end. complete rejection from him. what was so wrong with *me*? what has always been so wrong with me? i managed to stay away from such full-fledged self-deprication for months, but it always comes back. enough months of not even having a male LOOK at you can do that.

i'm so tired of being alone.

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